Belonging

"He's from Newfoundland." By way of excusing my husband for the joke, the expression, the whatever it was that made someones brows furrow in confusion or question.

"Oh, gotcha." Along with an understanding chuckle. As if just his heritage would explain why we don't understand his joke, or what he meant. I suppose it could seem rude, as if it's an insult to be from Newfoundland, but I don't see it that way. I envy the invisible connection that all Newfoundlanders have with one another. That feeling of belonging somewhere, being a part of something. Some might argue that living in Alberta for almost 10 years would give him a bit of a disconnect from that heritage, but in fact, the opposite might be true. He is now joined to thousands of other expats by the bond of having had to leave home. When we run into another Newfoundlander, there is immediately an understanding of at least a small part of the others life, an empathy. Not to mention that when they say, "You're from St. John's? Do you know John?". The answer is "No, but my cousin dated his sister."

I feel a lack of heritage in my life. I wonder if every person growing up in a city would feel the same. There is nothing about Calgary, or Alberta that has shaped me in any way that any other city could have. Sure we have the Stampede, but my roots are Saskatchewan farmers, not cowboys. And the farm stock was so last generation. Our city does nothing to preserve heritage either. Out with the old, in with the new. Buildings are constantly being torn down in favour of something bigger and shinier.

I suppose that if our city did make efforts to preserve it's heritage, that woudn't make a lick of difference to me either. I don't feel particularly tied to this city. We moved here when I was 7, so I can pretty much say that I've been here my whole life, but I still don't get that feeling of heritage. I like it here, probably more than a lot of people who live here. It's close to the mountains, the weather never gets very extreme on either end of the spectrum. It's also a pretty clean city considering its size. I hear a lot of complaints from people about the city that I can't relate to. This city has been good to me and to my family. On that note, I'd move somewhere else in a heartbeat if it benefited my family. I like to think that I'd realize how attached I am to this place, and for what reasons, if I ever left.

I think at heart I'm a small town farm girl. Maybe it's time to buy some land...

Land of Nod

I got my first comment. Here are the symptoms: quickened pulse, laboured breathing and second guessing. I don't know if someone is reading this blog, or just stumbled over one post, read it, commented and moved on. Either way, these are no longer just random thoughts released into space to float alone for all eternity. It has caused my stage fright to flare up and I keep hitting the backspace key. You may have noticed a lack of polish and flow to my posts, and the reason for that is that I need to just get it all out and post of before I think twice about it. Well, that and I don't have a ton of time for editing. Maybe once I've gotten more comfortable with the idea I'll try to focus more on the actual writing. One day.

After professing my bliss regarding my family, I have a confession. In my dreams I am rarely a parent, and frequently am not even married. I know that sounds terrible, but it's not how it sounds. These dreams don't involve any funny business, mostly just adult hi jinx that would never happen to people with families. Mostly because they occur after 8pm, aka bedtime. What I get from this is that I still have a need to travel, and do new things. For now, the kids do actually hinder that a bit. I don't think it will be too long before we can take them to new places and share new experiences with them. It still won't be the same sort of shenanigans I get up to in my dreams, but who needs to be a wanted criminal in 8 countries anyway?

Parentood

I don't know how a whole week has gone by since my last post. It is reflective of my mental state for sure. I've avoided posting since all I'd want to do is complain about my lack of sleep, and wonder if there is any right answer to this parenting thing. I realize that I'm one of those parents who gives a detailed account of my day/night to people and I really need to catch myself and stop doing that. It's boring, I know. I just need some empathy I guess. I want the world to know I'm struggling, an understanding nod makes it all better. I'm not alone.

This week I discovered Etsy. I was well aware of it before, but I didn't have an iPod before, and so couldn't surf the net all day like I can now. I'd perused Etsy once or twice, but was always rushed. This site is one you need to really take your time with, and browse around. In the process of browsing I, of course, found something to spend money on. Now that I'm not working, I feel obligated to run most purchases by Alan, who never says no, but I feel obligated nonetheless. So I got a couple of really cute things for the kids.

On the topic of money, I'm finding the idea of being off work more and more comfortable. When I was off after Hannah was born, it was always temporary, and I never thought otherwise. This time, I was pretty sure I wouldn't be going back even before I was done working, which was two months before my son was even born. I did think that maybe I'd start to feel ready to go back in some ways, like I did with my daughter, but the opposite is happening. I suppose part of the reason for that is when I went back last time, I entered an extremely hostile environment. I had seniority and people were getting laid off, so I guess people figured I didn't deserve to retain seniority after a year off.

People are fickle. Your priorities sure change when you have kids. BC (before children) I would have made every effort to get those people to talk to me and sort stuff out, but as it was, I was content going in, putting in my hours and getting home to my family. I used to put weight in work relationships, but I found out the hard way how superficial they are. Not that I haven't made some really good friends from jobs, but it's easy to confuse a working relationship with a friendship. There was actually one girl I invited to our wedding who didn't come because it was her boyfriends birthday. I still didn't catch on until came back from mat. leave what exactly our friendship meant to her. (nothing)

I am a little more choosy about the company I keep now that I have more important things to think about. I actually quite enjoy it, it's liberating in a way. I used to spend time with people I didn't want to be around, feeling awkward, but too polite to ditch out. That is a thing of the past. Visiting anyone takes so much effort these days, we don't waste time being polite, we only ever see people we want to see. I love it. Kids are great as an excuse for not being able to make it to parties or dinners. Unfortunately that also means that sometimes we want to go out and aren't able to. You win some, you lose some I guess.

Overall I'm pretty content. More than I thought I ever would be actually. I'm glad, because Alan and I thought we were pretty content being DINKs (double income, no kids) and I wasn't completely sure about kids. I know we wouldn't have gone above and beyond to have babies. Despite the lack of sleep, the parenting disagreements, the diapers, etc, etc, I'm more at peace with life than I ever imagined I would be, and my life is more full than it could ever have been without my family. It's worth living frugally, not having any free time, constantly cleaning, sacrificing my body and sometimes a little of my mind. So I'll avoid posting on days where all I would do is give a detailed account of how many times I had to get up between 8pm and 8am. I'll try and stick to the bigger picture.

Until next time.

I'm In Repair

There's something to be said for taking care of yourself. It's pretty easy to fall into the slump where you only wear sweat pants or pajamas all day when you're on maternity leave. And since I've never been a make-up wearer, or a hair-dooer, it's even easier for me. These days I have to remind myself to brush my teeth in the mornings. Hey, it sounds gross, but other things demand my attention! Should we be leaving the house, I do make it a priority. Just that fact though says something about my slump. List of things to do before we leave in the morning: 1. Make sure to pack potty seat, 2. Check wipe supply, 3. Brush teeth!

On that note, I didn't even realize how much of a slump I'd fallen into until I started taking New Years Resolution #1 seriously. Yes, even the days when I pulled out my hair elastic to find my ponytail would stay in place by itself, or that the hair on my legs kept getting pulled unintentionally by my kids, I did not realize how bad it was. It wasn't until I started working out and watching what I'm eating as per my resolution, that I could see where I'd gotten myself.

This week I got a haircut. I know for women it's not as necessary to get haircuts as often as it is for men, but before this week, my last haircut was November, 2008. That's right, I went all of 2009 without getting so much as a trim.

Today I also cleaned the kitchen. I cleaned every square inch of it. Floors-swept and washed, cupboards-wiped, counters-sorted and cleaned, appliances-cleaned and polished. Not only that, but I emptied the dishwasher so that no dirty dishes could gather on the newly clean counter. I actually took pictures of it, it was so clean. How is this related to anything? I believe that the betterment of myself, is spreading to envelop not just my physical self, but my environment. Who knew?

Now if I could just get some sleep, I might be able to clean up my attitude too. (As per resolution #3.)

Mars/Venus

The differences between men and women are becoming more and more clear to me in the last year or so. Maybe it's because I now have a son after having a daughter, but I don't think that's it. I notice things like how a man makes a sandwich on the counter and doesn't use a plate so as to save the washing of the dish, but leaves crumbs and possibly slops of mayonnaise or mustard on the counter. Then when you ask him to please use a plate, he can't see the logic. I used to call it "crumb blindness," as I thought he just couldn't see the mess on the counter, but now I'm realizing that it goes way beyond just crumbs. It stretches out to encompass everything that he's not tripping on, or having to move out of his way. Because of this, from now on I will only invite men over for gatherings. It means less (no?) cleaning.

There is also the matter of venting. Recently I read a blog post about a woman who said she needed to have her girlfriends no matter how close she was with her husband since when she vented to him, he always wanted to find a solution, rather than just listening and being sympathetic. I thought, "Wow! Alan is the exact same way!" I couldn't believe it. In the short time since I read that, I have heard at least two other women express the same sentiment. It's kind of like when you name your child, all of a sudden you notice that name everywhere. Was it always there and you just didn't notice? Yes.

Taking these new discoveries and applying them to my relationship is easier said than done. I do not have "crumb blindness," I might go the other way and have something more akin to "crumb sensing" which I have to just accept. It's a mystery that people are monogamous considering these polar opposite attributes. I suppose one could argue, that is what makes us complete. One picks up where the other lacks.

So instead of stewing inwardly when my husband doesn't do something I feel should have OBVIOUSLY been done, I'll just have to remind myself that his brain doesn't work that way. And probably count to 10 and take deep breaths...

Introductions

The more I read, the more I realize what garbage this is. It's quite discouraging actually, but I just have to remember that I started this for myself and am pretty sure no one has read it and so I should get back to the original reason and inspiration behind it.

Here's a bit about me:

I'm a 30 something. I have many personality flaws which I desperately hope I don't pass on to my kids. If you ever hear someone list their personality "dislikes" I usually encompass most, if not all of them. I'm often unintentionally rude. I forget I'm not the only one in a restaurant or public area. I form opinions on things before being adequately informed. I'm an aggressive driver, walker or cyclist. I recycle like someone who's life depends on it (or their kids lives...). I compost, I reduce, I use biodegradable products, but I still use disposable diapers. (I looked into it, the footprint is about the same!)

I'm a wife and mother of two. I don't like children, never have, but I love my kids fiercely. More than I ever thought possible. It hasn't really changed how I fell about everyone else's kids though. Well , most everyone.

I have a short fuse, I'm quick to judge and I don't like wasting my time, on people or anything else. As a friend I'm loyal to a fault.

I'm emotional, unreasonable and hormonal. Often all at once. I say what's in my head before thinking it through. Often things come out of my mouth completely wrong, even from what was in my head.

I was obese. It started around age 13, and continued on until I was 25. When I became the calorie Nazi and lost 75lbs. Being the fat girl all my adolescent life really defined me. I'm insecure, I'm loud, I'm paranoid. I always feel like people are looking at me and judging me. In turn, I am extremely judgemental, although I consciously try not to be. I'm terrified of passing all of my bad qualities on to my kids. It also seems like these traits are intensifying with age. Hopefully my husband sees me as more of a fine wine, rather than sour grapes.

This introduction seems to have turned into a bit of a pity party, which is reflective of my mood. If the post seems choppy it's because every sentence was interrupted by a needy child. Like I said, I have a short fuse.

To try to end on a more positive note, I'm a person who didn't know if I'd ever live with someone, or get married, and here I am, Suzy Homemaker, and loving it. I love cooking, cleaning, keeping house, parenting and playing with my kids. I love projects and hobbies. I love tasks and details. I'm happier than I think I ever believed I would be, and at the moment, there is nothing I would change about my life or how I live it.

Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

The End, And The Beginning

I think I may have all but exhausted the topic of blogging in this blog. My hope was that it would take a natural direction, seamlessly transitioning into what my original intention was for it, which was pretty much just random thoughts, past and present experiences etc, etc. Basically an online journal of sorts. That doesn't look like it's happening quite as naturally as I'd hoped. I couldn't really just jump in with some random story without some sort of segue. All of my adoring readers would wonder what happened to the endearing and enthralling random thoughts from a very green blogger, then turn the proverbial tail, and run. Okay, realistically, my thoughts on blogging are probably not captivating audiences across the nation, but I did feel like I needed start making the move. Maybe I'm maturing.

What can I say, there will be more to follow...

Technicalities

After making my last post, I asked my husband, Alan, if I could refer to him by name in my blog. His first reaction was, "You're writing a blog?" I guess he thought I was just reading them.

After some discussion about the subject of my blog (blogging, he didn't believe me) I had to ask a second time. Did he mind if I used his name in my blog? He replied, "It depends on the context." So from now on I will address my husband by name, unless I think he may find the subject unfavourable, for then he will remain, "my husband."

On another note, I've been itching to rant about several close relations of mine who are constantly doing bizarre or stupid things, but I worry that they might end up finding the link one day and I'd be up the creek. Also, everyone has their own annoying and strange relations, I'm sure they don't need to read about mine. That's part of the joy of Christmas, is it not?

A quick update on the resolutions, #'s 2 and 3 are going swimmingly, but until the baking has cleared out, #1 is not looking too hot. There are still 361 days to work on it thank goodness!

More Of The Same

Resolution #3: Have more patience/be less of a bitch to my husband and daughter.
I forgot about this one the other day, which doesn't bode well for the rest of the year. That's not to say I won't still make the effort, but being that I've already forgotten once...

I'm a bit of a short fuse these days and unfortunately those closest are taking the brunt of it. I've heard people say, "Why do we treat the people closest to us worse than we'd treat any stranger?". Well, my answer to that is the obvious, if the stranger was in my house making a mess while I'm trying to clean, they'd hear a few choice words too. And on the other foot, I'm nice to my husband in ways I would never be nice to a stranger.

For fear of making this a blog about blogging, more things have come up (in my head) about how this works and the pros and cons of it all. For example, do you ask someones permission to put their name or stories in your blog? I'm sure you may have noticed multiple references to "my husband." Also, what if I've got a doozy of a story about someone that's not insulting, per se, but may be slightly embarrassing should they see the incident from my point of view. Or what happens if something I want to relate has happened to someone I'm remotely related to. Do I have to tell them they will be in a post? I realize I'm making this more complicated than it needs to be, but that's just part of my charm. Welcome to my blog that journals my blogging.

This Time For Sure!

This year, I'm doing something I've never done before. I'm making New Years Resolutions. My first, and most cliche resolution, is to "get healthy." Yes, I'm going to lose weight, but not just that, I also want to eat healthier and be in generally good shape. I want my cardio up to par in case of a zombie apocalypse. Right now I'd be a goner.

My second resolution is to keep up this blog. I'm committing to a minimum of 3 entries per week. I know, not off to a good start, but in all fairness, I was on "vacation." (Can any trip at Christmas to see family really be called vacation?) This writing this is a bone of contention between my husband and I. I'm not really clear why. I think part of it is that I'm doing it while the kids tear the house apart, but I think he also kind of thinks I'm a geek for it. If you knew my husband, you would realize the irony in this. I suppose to him it is a new and strange world, and maybe just a little scary. (i.e.; What is my wife saying about me?)

I'm off to the wrong foot as far as resolution 1 goes, but for resolution 2, I'm in the good! Good luck to anyone with their resolutions! No, really...